


What Could Have Been

by Nadja_Lee



Series: What Could Have Been [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bigotry & Prejudice, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love, M/M, Reflection, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-27
Updated: 2004-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: AU that goes along the lines of “What would Kirk and Spock’s lives had been like if they had bonded near the end of the first 5 year mission?”While accompanying Spock, his bondmate of many years, on a diplomatic mission Kirk recalls the life they’ve shared. Later, while accompanying Jim, his bondmate of many years, to a military function Spock recalls the life they’ve shared and realizes a few things.[Printed in the zine Bondmates in 2004]
Relationships: David Marcus/Saavik, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: What Could Have Been [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654462
Comments: 4
Kudos: 307





	1. What Could Have Been: Kirk

**Author's Note:**

> Mention of the death of a few minor characters. Oh and mild mention of sexual positions. Very mild though. Also canon is going right out the window here. The AU label above should have prepared you for that.  
> K/S was the first slash pairing I could see and got into. Since this couple opened my eyes in more ways than one I thought they deserved at least one fic…Which as you can see ended up with being 2 fics but since they’re in a series I can still count them as one if I want to. *grins*  
> Thanks so much to Nancy for great and quick beta even though she’s not into this fandom. You’re such a sweetheart *hugs and kisses*  
> Things written *in here* are telepathically messages/thoughts.

# What Could Have Been: Kirk

As I grew up this wasn’t the future I thought I would have but then, as Spock would say, ‘no one can know the unknown.’

My thoughts are disturbed by a sudden noise and I look over and catch Spock’s eyes, a warm smile coming instinctively to my lips. His lips curve just a little and no one but me would know this is a smile in return. Though this wasn’t what I had thought I would have then, I find my life has given me more than I could ever wish for. 

“We have arrived, Mr. Ambassador,” one of the Vulcan aides says to Spock and he nods slightly in reply. The small shuttlecraft we’re in seems even smaller when filled with five guards and two aides besides your bondmate who always seem to sit too far away from you for your liking.

Over the last many years I’ve accompanied Spock on several diplomatic missions and I’ve long ago learned how to behave and act, not just as a diplomat’s mate but also as a Vulcan’s mate. Spock always seems more Vulcan when we’re in public with other Vulcans nearby but I know he’ll hold me close when we lie together in bed. He is as passionate and warm as Vulcan’s sands whenever we’re alone and thus I can make it through these days where I’m expected to control my emotions as much as possible with that in mind.

We begin to exit the shuttle and, as always, I have to restrain myself from going out first. Years of being a starship captain leave some permanent instincts behind. I let the guards exit first and then the aides followed by Spock, as according to Vulcan custom. He doesn’t look at me when we exit but I can feel his love through our mental bond like a reassuring caress and I have to restrain myself from smiling brilliantly at the feeling of his love for me in my mind. I remain in the background and look around as Spock goes to speak to our host and his party, waiting for Spock to introduce me, again as Vulcan custom dictates. Looking around, I see that the planet we’ve landed on is, as the reports I read on this world before we came here indicated, largely dominated by humanoid life and it reminds me a bit of old Greece, if that culture had reached spaceflight. We’re here to negotiate a treaty with these people about the price of their food supply to other Federation planets. Not the most exciting topic but maybe I can sneak out and study some of this planet’s culture and history without causing a scene. I will of course have to wait until Spock dismisses me before I can leave. Vulcans have a lot of social rules that took me a long time to get used to. I remember how shocked I was when I for the first time heard Sarek part from Amanda with a command that she should continue on the tour I was giving them of the Enterprise. She had smiled at me as she had told me that though the words were a command then she knew it was a request. Over the years I’ve often sought her council as I fought to try and remain who I’ve always been, a strong and proud man, yet still keep my love for Spock alive and to do so I had to accept that while we were on Vulcan or on Vulcan business I, as a non-Vulcan, would have to assume the submissive role that Vulcan wives and also Amanda had to play in public. To say that took some getting used to is putting it mildly.

“…And he who is my mate,” Spock’s greetings and introductions to our hosts has run to its conclusion and, when I hear my clue words, I go to him and touch two fingers to his in the Vulcan embrace. As we touch I feel him stronger in my mind, a presence as warm as Vulcan itself, bringing with it calm and order but also a flaming love and desire that only I can see reflected in his deep brown eyes. Our hosts show no surprise at seeing me even though I’ve never been to this world before. Spock’s and my bonding and lives have always been high profile so I’m not surprised by their lack of reaction. Our host and his party start off on a long speech about how honoured they are to see me and how greatly they admire me. I politely cut him short before this gets too embarrassing even though I can feel Spock’s pride from hearing the man’s words through our bond. As we are walked on a tour around the presidential palace, Spock talks with some of the ministers of this world and our fingers fall apart and with it our mental bond fades to a pleasant background assurance. I find one of the planet’s starship captains is walking beside me and we start an interesting debate on military history and battle ship manoeuvres. If those disapproving Vulcan tongues who had objected at our bonding all those years ago could see us now they would see that, despite their fears then, bonding with me has not made Spock unworthy of Vulcan or of being its Ambassador, as he is now after his father has received a permanent seat on the Federation Council representing Vulcan. Spock acts in every way the perfect diplomat, a duty he balances while continuing a scientific career as well as acting the perfect Vulcan in public in a way that is uniquely his and I smile proudly at the thought.

“It has been a long day for my bondmate,” Spock’s calm words with a hint of concern only I can hear tears me out of my conversation with the military personnel as well as my own thoughts. Spock has become more attentive to my needs as the years have passed. I look at him and his two-fingered embrace summons me to his side. Our fingers touch again and I can’t help but smile at him.

*I’m all right, Spock, but thanks for getting me off the hook before the food debate starts,* I send through the bond to him, letting him feel the humour of my words. However I admit that I am a bit tired; the journey was long and this world has a much higher humidity than I’m used to, even by Vulcan standards. We’ve been walking a lot outdoors during our tour of the capital as we were shown the most important sights before we reached the presidential palace and even indoors the temperature is set to resemble the pleasant but moist air outside.

*I am glad to be of assistance even if it is just to save you from boredom,* Spock sends back, warmly, before our attention is forced back to our hosts but a smile curves my lips at his dry humour. I remember Bones always said that even before we became lovers I had always looked at Spock with such open adoration and love in my eyes and smiles that he was surprised that it wasn’t until we were a few years into our first five-year mission that we became lovers. Apparently most of the ship already thought we were lovers so I hadn’t needed to fear telling them about us and our bonding.

“Of course. Mr. Mishan will guide Admiral Kirk to your assigned chambers,” our host says in reply to Spock’s spoken words and waves an aide to me before he turns back to Spock. “Would you accompany me to the Council Chambers? All my ministers have gathered to great you,” the president asks Spock politely. Just the thought of all that double talk and political mess makes me glad that it’s Spock who’s here to handle that. I know Spock’s just as happy that I’m the one in charge when he accompanies me to military gatherings. As Spock told me from day one he never wanted a command of his own.

Spock nods a little in acceptance to our host’s words and I silently hope that since everyone has already gathered, this deal will be over soon so Spock and I can return to Earth and have some time to ourselves. Too much free time always bores me as much as it does Spock but a week of reliving our honeymoon sounds very pleasant and it sends shivers of expectation and passion through me. I quickly regain my composure, though, remembering where I am and that all eyes are on me. 

“I will retire and shall at latest join you again at the banquet tonight,” I say to Spock but my eyes find our host to assure myself this doesn’t offend. He smiles and nods in agreement. I nod to Spock, as always wishing I could kiss him but knowing kissing in public is a clear no-no for a Vulcan, as my granddaughter would say, so I just let my hand fall away from his and go with the aide to the chambers we have been provided.

When I am alone in the large and beautiful room we’ve been assigned I find that the room’s temperature is set to Vulcan standards. Through the years I’ve gotten used to the fact that our chambers at different ships and temperately locations as well as in our houses on Earth and Vulcan, are set to fit my alien lover so now I barely notice it. Instead I simply change to some thinner clothes and sit on the sofa in the living room, ready to read some of the military reports I’ve brought with me since they were too important for me to leave behind and not read before Spock and I returned to Earth. I know there are two Vulcan guards at the door, part of the security for an ambassador, so I will have to restrain my curiosity and wait at least one hour before I can begin to explore this world, checking out museums and galleries which, according to the tourist guide book I’ve brought with me should have Standard temperature. At the beginning of my relationship with Spock we would often debate issues like this. How could it matter that I showed human impatience and left at once? I remember asking him. But Spock had been right that if I did this and other things as well then soon Vulcan would hear of Spock’s emotional and illogical mate and that would be an embarrassment I didn’t wish to put Spock through. Yes, one would think that something like embarrassment was a human emotion but when it comes to being caught showing an emotion or talking about sex then Vulcans can feel embarrassed. I recall Amanda told me this was also true about Sarek.

As the minutes pass by I find I don’t focus on the reports. Instead my thoughts travel to the past. I remember when I first met Spock and how quickly we became friends. I know now that our friendship was possible because I never asked him to be human like Bones would want or Vulcan like his father would want. I simply wanted Spock. We needed no words for what was between us. I didn’t need to hear him say that he felt friendship for me. His calmness never did and still hasn’t lessened the flame that has always been my passion for life and love. Despite the rumours that circulated in those days I’ve only taken seven women to my bed and one of them was the only woman I ever married only to have her die in my arms, taking my unborn child with her. In my life I’ve loved only four women: Miramanee, my deceased wife, Edith Keeler and Rayna, both of whom also died before my eyes, and finally my starship, Enterprise. Save a few girlfriends and one night stands then any other woman I was with was in the line of duty, using seduction to reach my goal or it was a forced reaction due to some cosmic entity which left me no choice…I think the medical staff has a fancy word for situations like that which in short amounts to the equivalent of rape as the emotional trauma left behind can be the same since the victim was left without any control or any way to say no. I do recall that I flirted as much as any normal young man does…Especially if he wants to see if it can get a reaction from a certain Vulcan First Officer which it never really did, compliments to his Vulcan control for that.

Before I met Spock I had had one male lover, Gary Mitchell, and that hadn’t ended better than any of my female relationships. Even before his death our relationship had fallen apart. However it did make me open to possibilities. Somehow it seemed only natural, or logical as Spock would say, that Spock and my deep friendship should with time become more. After my run in with Dr. Lester, I discovered that my love had been growing and changing from the love of a brother and a friend to be all those things **and** the love for a man as well. I wanted him with me in any and all ways I could. I now knew why none of my relationships had ever worked out; my entire being was already tied to Spock.

I also knew that if I wanted Spock I needed to be the one to suggest a union for Spock hadn’t given any indication that he wanted more than friendship, though with a Vulcan that didn’t have to mean anything. However seducing a Vulcan isn’t an easy task since they don’t seduce people or get seduced. I thought a lot about my options and ended up with the conclusion that I wouldn’t give Spock up. When I want something I do everything in my power to get it; I don’t have impossible dreams just some which demand more work than others. I had to take the chance and ask him if he wanted more than friendship. I had feared it could destroy our friendship but as I thought about it I knew that it wouldn’t unless I allowed it to. If Spock wasn’t interested he would simply say so and then he would forget I had ever asked. Though painful, I would have to accept his decline but I would stay in his life even if I could never be his lover because a little was better than nothing. With those thoughts I had tried to find out what I could about Vulcans, bondings, sex and marriage. Not an easy task when they’re so secretive about those intimate details but I wouldn’t give up; in general surrender and losing isn’t words that exists in my vocabulary. Though I knew this goal of mine, this dream, would demand a lot of me I also knew this was what I wanted and thus I would get it or go down fighting. An opportunity had presented itself when Amanda had called me to ask how Spock was doing and more importantly how he was feeling since Spock wouldn’t tell her these human things. Apparently Spock’s tendency to answer in short and precise sentences was something he did even to his mother; no small talk or chitchat. We talked a bit and suddenly we ended up talking about Vulcans and their intimate relationships. She guessed my true feelings at once and said a bonding between her son and me would please her. However she warned that Sarek and other Vulcans might need some more persuasion to accept the union. It had to be based on logic and she warned me that Vulcans didn’t have casual relationships. If I wanted Spock it was to be exclusively him, forever, and the bond we shared would mean Spock would always be able to stay in my thoughts; never parted from me and I would never again be totally alone. That thought I needed all of a week and a near death experience to ponder before I realized that living with Spock in a bond for the rest of my days sounded like Heaven. A month after I had made up my mind I went to talk to Spock one evening after our shift had ended. I was more nervous than I had been taking my final exams at Starfleet Academy and I had spent more time trying to form a battle plan for getting Spock to accept me as his mate than I had in life and death battles. Though, thinking back, I know that battles for my heart have always frightened me more than life and death decisions. I had come to Spock’s quarters and had declined the chess game we had agreed upon and instead I had stood before him and started to ask the most important question of my life by telling him all the points on the mental list I had made of all the reasons why a bonding between us was logical. In the month I had had to prepare I had managed to come up with a hundred logical reasons and one very illogical one to why Spock should join with me. Spock calmly listened to all my reasons and I ended with the illogical reason, coming right out and saying that I loved him. He had simply raised an eyebrow at me and said that love isn’t logical. I had smiled at that because during that month I had had many conversations with Amanda who had prepared me for Vulcan love and who had already warned me that this would be the reply to my words and that I had to seek assurance of his love for me in almost anything but in his words. Already Spock was more emotional and open with his feelings towards me than any full Vulcan would have been and for that I felt blessed. When Spock had said that he found a bonding with me logical as well as enjoyable I couldn’t help but to throw my arms around him and kiss him passionately on the lips, knowing that just the fact that he had added ‘enjoyable’ to that sentence spoke volumes about the depth of his feelings for me. That night I found that when Amanda had called Vulcans passionate and dominating in bed she hadn’t been exaggerating. We bonded that evening and announced it the day after. We then planned a one week stop to Vulcan three weeks later when we were in the quadrant anyway to get the full bonding ceremony. Staying at Vulcan never got easy for me for I’ve always been an emotional man, easily taken to smiles and other emotional expressions and outbursts but that first visit was the hardest. There was a long list of social rules I had to follow as Spock’s mate, many of which made my pride want to rebel. Why could I never walk into a room before Spock but only behind or alongside him? Also at all official dinners only Vulcan would be spoken and I was not to speak unless spoken to. Spock explained these rules and my temper flared, something that Spock, of course, had a hard time dealing with. As soon as we reached Vulcan, we went to Sarek and Amanda’s house and again I sought her council. Even today only two humans have ever married a Vulcan; Amanda and myself. During the years that followed she and I would form a very deep friendship for only we two knew how it was to be human yet have married a Vulcan. Amanda told me how many of these social rules were from ancient times where Vulcan males were warriors who fought for their mates. Only the strongest could keep a mate and a Vulcan’s value had laid in his strength and dominance. This leftover from the old days was also why Vulcans were so dominating in bed. I hadn’t even considered it when I had bonded with Spock but that day when I spoke with Amanda I realized that Spock would never let me top him; in bed and while we were among Vulcans he had to be the strongest and dominating of us. I quickly found that pride and embarrassment were also Vulcan terms no matter how much they claim otherwise. I love and always have loved Spock’s lovemaking but I had just thought the option of me making love to him in that way had been open to us. Maybe if I had asked Spock if he would let me make love to him in that way he would have said yes, he rarely says no to anything I want, but it would go against everything he is and I can’t ask him to do that.

It wasn’t easy to submit to all these rules which at first sight seemed humiliating to a human but, as Amanda reminded me then, to a Vulcan they were just that; rules and traditions. They had no emotions connected to them. In a way the Vulcan way of life, filled with traditions and social rules reminds me of something I read about the old Japanese culture on Earth. In the days of the Samurai the Japanese people were also known for their controlled emotions, their grace, skills, respectful society, wisdom and great sense of duty and self-sacrifice. They also had a lot of social rules, when to bow and how deep and so much more. Rules that to an outsider would have seemed degrading but which, like the Vulcans’ rules, were simply a way of life; it was just how it was. The respect was shared between the person who bowed and the one who received the bow, just like the Vulcans’ way of showing respect, something which to an outsider takes some time to accept. Still, I know if I hadn’t loved Spock as much as I do, if he hadn’t treated me with kindness and respect as he always has, if I hadn’t felt those things through our mind link as well as heard it in his tone of voice, even when we’re on Vulcan, then I’m not sure I could have accepted all the rules I had to learn to follow. It took me some time to really feel it but I knew that our relationship balanced; I saw that this was not a fight for power and that sometimes making compromises means that both sides win. With time I’ve come to accept this and everything else. As said then it wasn’t easy for me to get used to all these rules for I am a proud and emotional man but I came to realise that on the ship and on Federation land I would always have the lead because of the difference in our ranks and, though I’ve never exercised my power as clearly as tradition dictates Spock does when we are among Vulcans, I still know my power is there. Amanda had once given me the very good advice not to think in themes of submission and dominance in regard to Vulcan relationships but simply accept what was because that was how Vulcans saw it. Through the bond we shared with each our own Vulcan we knew they loved us and that they had no emotional desire to hurt, humiliate or break us in any way. This was just how it was and if I was to stay with Spock I had to accept this and thus I did. In return Spock became more emotional, more human, towards me when we were alone or on Earth together as the years passed. 

Despite some protests, our bonding was wonderful and to my relief and Spock’s, though he didn’t say as much then, Sarek gave his blessing, complimenting Spock on a logical choice. This made Amanda’s eyes seek out my own in shared amusement at all the emotions of pride and relief that flooded unspoken between father and son. 

The next many years were marked by periods of settling in. Though Bones couldn’t understand how I could survive emotionally being married to Spock then, he happily accepted the union. He did get concerned though when Spock’s Pon Farr came and I admit I was concerned as well. The last time he had gone through it he had almost killed me. Vulcans are many times stronger than humans and, in the heights of his Pon Farr, Spock might not remember that as a human I was more easily bruised. However I had told myself that if Amanda could get through this with Sarek then I could get through this with Spock. When his time came, I think Spock was more worried about harming me than I was. We took every precaution possible, including having poor Bones standing by ready to be called upon if needed, probably driving my old friend to drinking with worry. When the madness of Pon Farr came, I did everything that my reading material and Amanda had told me to do; my tone of voice was soft and submissive as was my whole body language, making sure not to anger him because in this state I knew for a fact his anger could lead to my death. It turned out not to be as rough as I had feared. I came out with some bruises, slight dehydration and a broken arm, which in Spock’s defence had been a mistake. He had been a little too eager, grabbing me by the arm and had applied Vulcan-sized strength, forgetting I, as a non-Vulcan, would not be able to take such pressure. Bones had me quickly patched up but I had to deal with a guilt-ridden Vulcan for several months until I finally got him to understand that it was all right. He hadn’t been in control of himself, he hadn’t hurt me; it had been the Pon Farr that had done that. Besides the experience hadn’t been all bad when forgetting my injures. It took me a bit longer to get Bones to settle down; even when I was his captain he was extremely protective of me but then that has always been in his nature and his instinct to protect only increased because of our deep friendship. Luckily, he eased up after I had talked with him and he had visited Spock and I several times to ease his fear that Spock might abuse me, a worry I could understand after what he had seen even if it did make me angry at first. I remember I threatened to tape Spock and me making love for him so he could see that outside the Pon Farr Spock was the most generous, kindest and most considerate of lovers, making lovemaking into a beautiful and warm experience with no hints of pain or domination. Of course I would never live up to my threat and we both knew it but those months were strained for us all, especially when I knew he only meant well. Finally after a few months Bones forgave Spock, admitting that he hadn’t been at fault and that he knew Spock would never intentionally hurt me. As the years passed, Spock became gentler, even during Pon Farr. Apparently with time even a Vulcan’s subconscious gets attuned to his bondmate so the Pon Farrs that followed weren’t as painful to get through because he, even in this state, was aware of my more fragile build. 

Our other friends were also fast to congratulate us on our bonding; Uhura even talked me into persuading Spock to have a wedding on Federation soil as well so she could decorate and organise it to her heart’s desire, which I might add was beautifully done. We had a large but romantic wedding and we were as happy to have it as Uhura and our friends were to arrange it and have a chance to attend, something they hadn’t been allowed to do on Vulcan where outsiders aren’t allowed to attend such matters, at least not at that time. They have softened up a bit with years.

We had little trouble with people who didn’t like same sex marriages; people intelligent enough for space travel rarely have such intolerant and bigoted ideas that Earth sadly suffered from in its past. However we did have some trouble getting people to accept that a human and a Vulcan would bond. Despite Sarek and Amanda’s marriage, back then it was very unusual, even more so because of the position I held in Starfleet. Vulcan law dictates that Spock and I, as bondmates, are in essence considered one person which means we share each other’s last names, honour and shame; in short then, if my actions are distasteful or dishonourable to a Vulcan I will shame Spock and his entire family. When I realized this I became certain that Vulcans must have invented the term ‘group pressure’. Furthermore, we can agree to things on behalf of the other but, because I’m a non-Vulcan, in practice the Vulcans always seek Spock’s permission if I speak for him. However Federation law says we share equally, two beings joined in marriage who are still separate, each only responsible for his own actions. Though Vulcan law only overrules Federation law on Vulcan ground, back then the Vulcan rules made people wonder how I, strong and proud Captain, could submit to this. Even more so how could I do this as a human, a human with emotions of pride and dignity? People who can even ask that obviously don’t understand what love is all about nor how much both Spock and I are willing to compromise to get this relationship to work. I admit it has demanded work, hard work, especially in the beginning, but then all things worth keeping tend to do so. Though their words never made me doubt my decision, it did take some time for me to ignore them. At first it did hurt me to hear people, Vulcans and humans alike, talk badly about me, call me Spock’s pet or slave or worse but some fights, figurative and literally, later the voices quieted down. Spock has always come to my defence of course, calling me his bondmate, soulmate or t'hy'la for those who speak Vulcan and dismissing those foul tongues as the words of unintelligent minds. However, if ever I have the opportunity to defend my own honour I prefer to do so and though it’s not logical to refuse help when it’s needed, Spock lets me handle this alone, knowing I need to do this on my own. After proving my worth and bravado in battle again and again, as well as seeing that while we were on Federation land our relationship was 100% equal in every way with no social rules or traditions to follow for any of us here, people saw that our marriage was a lasting one and the rumours began to grow silent in the face of the truth.

As said, luckily the resistance we were met with has faded with years and now only a few whispers here and there and some people’s resentment towards me are left. Luckily, as the years passed and I played my part while we were on Vulcan together, our relationship became fully supported and accepted by Vulcan, now that they have seen I wasn’t just some illogical and emotional human but a mate who could obey their rules and not embarrass Spock or Vulcan in general.

The years rolled by and, except for one year’s stay on Earth and Vulcan doing administrative work for Starfleet while the Enterprise was upgraded, Spock and I stayed as Captain and First Officer of the Enterprise for 4 five-year missions. I always loved that time in space. Life during all those 5-year missions was dangerous but wonderful. No whispers, no one to challenge my honour or my decision for bonding with Spock. That Bones, Sulu, Scotty and all my other officers and friends stayed with me all during those years despite promotions that allowed them to take on greater positions only made life all the more perfect.

We had some interruptions in our life and missions though, of more or less painful character. We met V’Ger and defeated it. We ran into Khan again and it turned out to be the worst moment of my life. Spock and I had been bonded for 14 years at that time and when he died my mind was ripped apart. His pain had prevented him from closing off our mental connection and I felt him dying even though I couldn’t physically touch him. It was pure torture. Not even seeing my son, David, again could help me fight the pain. I felt like I was dying and nothing seemed to matter. I was drifting away despite Bones’ best efforts to the contrary. I don’t think I would have been able to survive if not a few days later I felt the bond was still there, regenerated just as Spock’s body had been. Not delaying, I beamed down with David and Saavik, the Romulan/human girl Spock and I had adopted who had grown into a beautiful young Starfleet officer capable of balancing Spock’s logical teachings with my own more emotional ones. We found Spock on the newly formed planet and I helped him when the Blood Fever came. He never spoke to me, his mind safe inside Bones’, waiting to return to its own body, but I still felt a part of him recognized me at some plane. Some months later Spock would say it was wishful thinking on my part but a faint smile would curve his lips when he said this. David recommended we didn’t beam Spock up before his age was the same as when he had died so that was what we did. Afterwards we went to Vulcan and it took two agonising months before Spock fully remembered me, helped along by our whale mission that saved Earth.

Life returned to a new kind of normal when David and Saavik said they wanted to marry, something I admit I had suspected for some time but which took Spock by surprise. They had a gigantic wedding because of David’s scientific importance and Saavik’s already blooming career, not to mention whom their ‘parents’ were so to speak. Though David is my biological son, his mother and I were never together. It was an arrangement of convenience. She was a friend who wished for a child and I offered to help and in return I got a son who, granted, I didn’t get to know before he married a woman who I felt was more like my child than he was.

The next many years were a string of personal bliss as I enjoyed every minute I had with Spock to the fullest, knowing now more than ever that I could not live without him. Though it sometimes makes me brood, I’m happy that, if all goes well, I’ll die before Spock and will never have to be without him again. His longer lifespan will mean I’ll probably die a long time before him even though he has threatened that he might follow me, choosing death over having to face life without me. Truth be told, if his pain is half of what I faced when I had lost him then, I cannot blame him. I wouldn’t want to live without him. One of my last conversations with Amanda was about this. She told me she felt the same. After having had Sarek in her life, heart and mind for so long, she wouldn’t ever wish to feel the agonizing emptiness that I had felt when I had lost Spock. Only a few days had I felt it but it had scared me for life; I never wanted to face that coldness again. Amanda got to see her grandson being born before she passed away. Like Spock, the child had been genetically engineered, giving it more Vulcan genes and less of his father’s pure human side, like Spock with his mother’s human side. Other than that, the birth and everything else had been natural. Amanda had been well ‘till the end and had beamed like a sun at the sight of her grandchild. She had died peacefully in her sleep, safe inside Sarek’s embrace. The months that followed were the only time I ever truly saw emotions on Sarek’s face; he looked so lost and broken my heart ached for him as I recalled how lost I had been when I had lost Spock.

Amanda was buried on Vulcan and this time I couldn’t help but show sorrow on my face. She had become more than a friend, more than a mother to me. She had been the only one who truly understood what my life was like. I had been able to talk to her whenever I got upset about some Vulcan custom or another. Spock and I had always had our arguments but he would never truly understand my emotional outbursts that I sometimes needed to vent and then it was nice to have her to talk to. To this day her death still pains me. 

Saavik and David had two more children, a girl who was the most human of them and another son. Saavik made Captain and David made a lot of scientific discovers that Spock knows more about than I. To this day I still connect better with Saavik than David. She is the child I helped raise, we share human traits and emotions as well as love for the fleet. Spock connects better to David than Saavik, sharing his scientific curiosity and his understanding of all the theories David talks about during family dinners which leaves my head spinning.

I led other missions after our last 5-year mission ended but with years I had to accept doing other things and looking at the stars that I love from another angle. I worked at the academy, did administrative work and ended up as an admiral. I had been offered promotions before but I first agreed to it now. With age I could do more good now, here, commanding from afar; I know that accepting a promotion earlier would have been a mistake. Soon after this Bones died. To my relief he went peacefully and I held his hand in the hospital as he left me. He had married some years earlier and his wife and children surrounded him as he took his final journey but they accepted that he shared a bond with his shipmates that was unbreakable and thus they let Spock and I say our farewells as the last ones. He wasn’t afraid to die, he had told me that on his deathbed, but he was afraid to leave me alone. Now who was going to patch me up? I had smiled through my tears and told him how much I cared for him…That I loved him like a brother. He said the same back and, as Spock laid a hand on my shoulder in support, Bones looked at him and said that he loved Spock as a brother as well, a very annoying little brother, which drew a small chuckle from me. Bones furthermore told Spock that he better take care of me or he’d come back to haunt Spock. My t'hy'la promised this and said he counted Bones a brother as well. Bones smiled warmly though weakly at this but then Spock raised an eyebrow at the dying man and said that haunting wasn’t a scientific fact and the statement therefore was illogical. Bones smiled fondly at him for this well known banter between them and said time would decide that and that Bones would make sure that he screwed Spock’s logic up with some human traits, even from beyond the grave. His courageous acceptance of his own death had left Spock and me speechless but he had smiled widely and comfortingly at us and said he had finally gotten the last word, a mimic of words he had spoken many years earlier when I had first met Spock’s parents. With one last warm look at me he squeezed my hand tightly in farewell and then he took his last breath.

The next few years were hard for me. Bones had been my best friend, only surpassed by Spock but that’s different as he’s so much else and more than a friend. A part of me had died with him and without Spock at my side I don’t think I could have gone to Scotty’s funeral, which was a few months after Bones’s.

Now my losses have retreated to dull aches. Spock took over his father’s role as ambassador to Vulcan and, between my duties as an admiral, I accompany him whenever he goes. Death is, as Spock would say, a certainty and thus unspoken we always spend as little time apart as possible. I don’t fear death for I know I’ll find Spock again in the afterlife. Parted from me but never parted. When the day comes when I must leave him, so be it. But I’ll not give up so easily. I’ll wait for him on the other side of life and I know my waiting will not be in vain.

* T'hy'la, are you well? * Spock’s concerned mental voice reaches me and I realise that he must have picked up on my thoughts of sorrow when I remembered the friends I’ve lost.

*Yes. I’m sorry I disturbed your meeting,* I send back and try to calm my emotions down, letting love and warmth flow towards him through the bond. I can almost feel his smile and see his soft gaze upon me.

*Your presence is never disturbing to me, t'hy'la,* he sends warmly and I feel his love through the bond. *I shall end the meeting momentarily. The rest of the debate can be done tomorrow. I shall join you in 15.4 minutes, * Spock promises and I smile.

*I look forward to it. We still have a few hours before we need to be at the reception they’ve planned for us this evening,* I say and already begin to form plans in my mind about just what we can do in that time. Spock must have picked up on my thoughts for I sense his excitement and the beginnings of a familiar flame of passion through the bond.

*I look forward to your plans of learning more about this culture as well as…’testing the bed’ I think is the phrase you used, beloved,* Spock sends to me and I thank whatever deity I can recall for the happiness I’ve found in my life.

*I love you, t'hy'la,* I send before I get ready for him to break the link.

*The sentiment is mutual, beloved,* Spock sends the mental words filled with love and I smile as he closes the connection. Though he has never said ‘I love you’ verbally or through our link, I can feel his love and his reply to my own ‘I love you’s’ are all I need. With years, he has become more and more verbal with his feelings but I’ve never doubted that he loves me. As it was when all we shared was friendship then, I gladly accept all he can give me but I don’t push for more than that.

A smile remains on my face as I wait for Spock to return. I have some very good ideas about testing that bed before we go sightseeing. A fondness and warmth settles over me, the feelings of being in love, even after so many years of marriage, and it makes me feel blessed. I briefly wonder how my life would have looked like had I never had the courage to approach Spock, if we had never become lovers or if I had accepted that promotion the first time it was given me.

Soon after I am in Spock’s loving and passionate embrace, enjoying every minute of it. His lovemaking is still like fire but more gentle now as years have made my human body more fragile and respective towards Vulcan strength of passion. Even though I’m healthy and strong for a human my age, age does demand a few considerations; not many if one, as I, does everything to stay young in body and mind, but still some.

Lost in the sensations and wonders that I always feel when our bodies and minds meld into one, I know for certain that whatever life I could have had without Spock as my friend, lover and soul mate would have been an empty and cold life. Here, within his warm embrace, life has meaning and hope. Once, as a young man, I thought I should always be alone, that I should live and die alone, without a true love in my life and that my only true passion would be my ship. I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong. I’m never alone, not even in my thoughts and I know I would give anything for Spock, my life and even my ship for he’s my true passion and love. I now know I shall die as I’ve lived, safe within my lover’s embrace, never alone, never afraid. What I could have been without this love isn’t important for without it I’d be dead inside. This is all I ever wanted, even if it took me a little time to figure that out.

Despite the losses and the hardships we sometimes had to face then, I regret nothing. Spock calls me ‘golden one’ through our mind link when we make love but he’s just that to me; he’s my happiness, the only one who could ever make me happy. Reaching out and claiming that happiness wasn’t much of a choice or matter of debate. Never one to back out of a fight or down from a challenge, anything less than to claim the happiness this universe has offered me would have been…illogical. Sometimes things truly are that simple. Sometimes love can be that simple. 


	2. What Could Have Been: Spock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While accompanying Jim, his bondmate of many years, to a military function Spock recalls the life they’ve shared and realizes a few things.

He is at home here. I have observed this about Jim before but for some reason this thought comes with much deeper insight tonight.

We are currently at a military function, celebrating Admiral Johnson’s retirement. The function is being held in a large hall in San Francisco. After an eight course meal, the party has moved to a large room with access to gardens, providing opportunity to dance as well as chairs and tables for those who wish to continue a debate seated, though most stand in groups talking. Despite my own standing in Starfleet then, I am now much more attached to the Science division than the military branch and it is here, in the military, where Jim flourishes. It is here where he is the leader, the one everyone speaks to. I have always been an outsider at human gatherings, finding it hard to carry on a conversation, while Jim has always brought people to him, captivating them with the passion of life that he has always possessed.

Here, among other Starfleet officers, Jim is alive in a way he has never been on Vulcan. Even in our home on Vulcan, his smiles are dimmer and his glow is fainter. He laughs more when we are on Earth or otherwise away from other Vulcans and the traditions that bind us…He simply seems happier. The glow I feel coming from him within our bond and shining through in his eyes and smiles keeps me captivated even from across the room. After having exchanged the necessary pleasantries with people, I find myself standing alone on one side of the room, my hands clasped behind my back, observing the room as I so often do at human functions but as always it is my bondmate who holds my attention.

“Father.” Saavik’s soft voice interrupts my thoughts and I find her smiling slightly at me, David holding her right hand in the two fingered Vulcan embrace. His smile is even wider. We came together to the function; like Jim, Saavik had received an invitation and been told to bring her bondmate. Though I was surprised that they wished to bond then, Saavik and David are a logical match and a pleasant one in every way. Their relationship is uniquely balanced between human and Vulcan in a way Jim’s and mine never was. Saavik has managed to take the best from both cultures and unite them. From Jim’s teachings, she has taken love, affection and concern and from me she has taken the teachings of logic, burying her darker emotions. Unless she is on Vulcan or on official missions for Vulcan, she is very affective in a human way with her husband and her children. Tonight alone I have seen her dance several dances with David, a small smile gracing her lips.

“Has something or maybe someone gotten your attention, father of my wife?” Despite David’s formal tone, his voice and eyes are shining and teasing. I see his father in him more each day.

“I see no logic in answering questions to which you already know the answer,” I reply and his smile just widens, like Jim’s would have.

“We have come to take our leave of you, father,” Saavik says formally and I nod.

“We are staying the night at the Vulcan Embassy and Sarek is babysitting…We should get back and save him before the kids get too many emotions out of him,” David teases good-naturally and an invisible smile comes to my lips.

“The mental image is indeed…interesting,” I admit. David laughs softly at that.

“We will visit you in 16 days where we will eat dinner together as agreed upon,” Saavik reminds me and I nod.

“Jim and I will look forward to seeing you and our grandchildren again.”

Saavik raises her hand in the Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper, father.”

I repeat the gesture. “Live long and prosper, my daughter.” My eyes rest on David, “Son of my bondmate.”

David manages to give an almost flawless Vulcan salute. In years he will be as flawless in this as his father has become. “Live long and prosper, father of my wife.”

With that they walk away from me and over to Jim. He smiles at them and they talk briefly before he hugs Saavik and shakes David’s hand, still more at ease with the child he raised than the child he fathered. He watches them as they leave before his eyes catch mine watching him and he smiles at me before he resumes his conversation with great eagerness and passion, illustrating his points with facial expressions and hand gestures which he would never use had there been other Vulcans nearby.

I have always known that we both made some sacrifices to make this union work but before tonight I had not allowed myself to consider too deeply all what Jim must have given up. Even today, after so many years, there are still officers who avoid him and I can see the faintest flicker of hurt in his eyes when he looks their way and they ignore him, judging him unworthy of their attention, this from men who he called friends before our bonding. As always such action towards my bondmate makes an unpleasant feeling overtake me and I find my right hand has formed a first at my side. I know that such words, which seem to hurt humans so easily, have hit him many times since our joining and I also know why. It is because of the Vulcan traditions which we are both required to uphold when on Vulcan or in the presence of other Vulcans. It was unavoidable that other humans would see us together with other Vulcans. We would often visit the Vulcan Embassy on Earth when my Mother was still alive and there were numerous official events where other Vulcans would attend where we followed the Vulcan rules of conduct that are required of a couple when they appear in public. Had I known how hard those rules would be for Jim I am not sure I would have accepted his proposal to bond with him despite his logic and despite my own growing love for him. I wouldn’t have put him through that.

Jim claims it is worth it but I still do not like it. I did not even consider how Vulcan rules would look like from a human perspective. What is, is. Our laws are the way they are and that is all. In the beginning of our relationship I did not understand all of Jim’s emotional reactions to the traditions I told him about. We would debate the matter but Jim would get too emotional for us to carry on a logical debate. He would then often speak with my Mother and return calmer, saying he now understood what was required of him. He quickly seemed to get over his emotional reactions to the social rules of Vulcan and I felt a sense of happiness and pride over his ability to obey the Vulcan traditions. To my shame I now admit I felt happy that he would not shame me or put a new rift between my father and myself by having emotional reactions to Vulcan situations. I see now that it was illogical to expect a Vulcan reaction to a Vulcan situation when my bondmate is human.

I remember not long after we had bonded, Dr. McCoy came to me and talked to me about this, about Jim. He told me that he was Jim’s oldest friend, closest friend after me, and that he would accept our union though he could not understand it. Jim was a very passionate human; how could he exist in a relationship with a dispassionate Vulcan, he had asked me to which I had simply replied that it was no concern of his. He went on and said that he hoped I knew I was a ‘lucky bastard,’ I think was the precise words he used, and that I should take care of the captain. Though Jim does have a tendency to get physically hurt, I somehow knew that wasn’t what he meant. I said that Jim seemed able to take care of himself very well but the doctor shook his head and scolded me, saying that wasn’t what he meant and that I knew this. He was partly right that I did know it was not what he meant but I was not sure I knew what he meant then. The doctor said that Jim had given me everything and that that was just how Jim was. He would give all of himself, give anything, to get what he wanted and in this case what he wanted was me. Dr. McCoy said he hoped I knew all he had given up and that if Jim could not put up any boundaries towards me then I would have to. He said that I could not keep taking simply because Jim kept giving and never ask for what he longed for in return. I had claimed I knew what he meant but now I find I did not. With passing years have I begun to see this.

Right after our bonding, I tried so hard to fit our relationship into a perfect Vulcan relationship. I wanted everyone to see that I had chosen logically, that my human side hadn’t clouded my judgement. I hadn’t come to terms with being half-human and my own strong feelings of love and passion for Jim were frightening to me. They made me feel shameful in the same way my feelings of friendship for him had done. That didn’t mean I didn’t on occasion act upon those warm feelings but I was never at ease. Looking back, my heart aches for all I put him through. I have always loved Jim more than anyone else, yet still I would distant myself from him in public; I would never hold his hand as humans do and never kiss him outside our bedchambers and then only as a prologue to sexual intercourse. Never once did he ask for more. Sometimes he would ‘explode’ in an emotional reaction, as humans say, but I would, like most Vulcans, ignore the display and afterwards we would fall back into the old rhythm.

Jim told me he loved me from the day he asked me to bond with him and he would repeat it almost daily over the years. He even told me he understood that I could never say those words back. I watch him now as he talks with two other humans and he smiles and gestures…he shines like the sun he has always been to me. I can see that I did not kill this glow in him but, against my will, I see that I did try to dampen it. He never once complained to me about visiting Vulcan or going with me on missions for Vulcan…he has never even asked me to show human affection in public or do any of the things human couples do. Yet somehow, most likely through our mental connection, I know he would have liked that.

As the years passed our surroundings looked more kindly upon us. Seeing how Jim acted in the role Vulcan expected of him no one there had any objections to my bonding, as long as Jim continued to act according to Vulcan traditions. With time most resistance in the Federation also ceased but that took more than just the simple passing of time. I see now that Jim had been caught in the same battle between Vulcan and Earth that I have fought for so many years of my life. Vulcan wanted him to act as the submissive part of a Vulcan relationship, since he was physically weaker than I am and a non-Vulcan, while the Federation expected their finest officer to be strong in everything, also in his private life. There were even talks of removing Jim as captain because some thought our relationship would weaken his ability to command because his enemies would no longer respect and fear him, or that he would lose something as important as the respect and loyalty from his own crew. Jim had to fight step by step to prove this wrong and he did. He did manage to win this battle just as he has always won all his other battles. He does not like to lose and he ended up managing to get the things he wanted from life, Starfleet and me, even if those two seemed incompatible at first. However I cannot help but wonder at what price did he win?

Time made it possible for me to show more affection towards my t’hy’la when we were in the privacy of our own home but official displays of affection were not even something I considered. Not even the passing years have allowed me to say ‘I love you’ to him in words. I know I feel love for him and he knows it too; our mental connection gives him all my feelings, but I also know that he would like to hear it. Seeing him across the room tonight, my entire being is alive with that love for him. The light is reflected in his dark golden hair which holds lines of silver and his face and body hold more lines yet to me he looks as beautiful as the first day we met. He senses my attention is on him and he smiles warmly at me and nods at me, sending waves of warmth and love through our bond before he continues his debate, taking it for granted that I won’t repay his show of affection until we are alone together.

Why have I not before considered how much of Jim is his show of affection in public? Even before we bonded, Jim was there for me; his soft touches and warm smiles letting me know how much he cared. Our mental bond makes sure Jim can feel how much I love him and I know he thinks it is enough but now I wonder why he should have to settle for that?

The ordeal with V’ger taught me to accept my humanity, balancing it with my logic. It has enabled me to show Jim more love than I did before when I almost treated him like a Vulcan mate, only softened with the same kind of flashes of concern that I showed him as my friend. I know our relationship is different than any other relationship I can think of and I know there are certain things, certain boundaries we cannot step over but there are chances, moments I could have and still can catch that I never did before.

I have shared so many years with this wonderful man. I have raised a daughter with him. I have seen how he held her, hugged her, dried her tears, played games with her…I have seen his love make it possible for her to balance my teachings of logic with her own emotions. I share grandchildren with him. My whole life has been about him since I first saw him. He is the only one who truly understands me, who fully accepts me just like I am and I see that this is why he never asked for more than what I gave. He respected me that much…He loved me that much. The thought that someone loves me this much is almost physically painful. Before I met Jim I was alone, used to being alone. Even today I only feel at home with Jim and our family. He gave me much more than his love; he helped me find my place in the world and find peace within myself about my own inheritance.

A beautiful slow love song starts to play and a determined look comes to my face, though no one but Jim would be able to tell. I purposely go over to Jim who looks up at me, smiling.

“Do you wish to leave, t’hy’la?” he asks me warmly, seeing that it is indeed getting late. Many guests have already left. My impulse plan threatens to fall at this easy way out he offers me but then I take his right hand in mine and ask seriously, “Would you do me the honour of this dance?”

Jim looks shocked beyond words. We have only danced in public four times. Once was at the Federation wedding we had, once was at our daughter’s wedding and the last two were at other weddings we attended. Then he smiles, warmly, brilliantly, like a star going nova, and I am torn between joy at his happiness and a deep sadness that I never gave him this before. There are no other Vulcans here, like there haven’t been at many other occasions. Had I stopped to consider, I would have seen all Jim never told me just like he always knows all I never told him. I could have given him this at those other occasions where Vulcan was far away from us…I could have given him this before and the knowledge that I did not, didn’t even consider it, makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed.

“I would love that,” Jim agrees, his voice betraying that he’s moved by my offer. His right hand releases mine and he makes the Vulcan two fingered embrace which has become second nature to him during the years, as he waits to be lead to the dance floor. He assumes that despite my human offer I won’t show any other human traits and he won’t embarrass me by trying to get me to do so but instead is pleased over the one gesture I did give him. My heart beats wildly in my chest at this simple show of acceptance and love. What did I ever do to deserve everything my logic could ever wish for…and everything my heart ever wanted?

*Tonight is your night, beloved, * I say gently through our bond and my right hand retakes his, holding it tight in the human way as we go to the dance floor together. We stop in the middle of the dance floor and he puts his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder. Through our link I can feel his joy and wonder at this moment we’re sharing. His happiness is strengthened as he feels my hands close around his waist as I hold him close.

*Are you sure you’re all right with this? * Though he cannot detect any hesitation from me through our bond I can feel that the gesture is so surprising that he has to be sure all the same. Why did I wait so long to do this? What was I afraid of? To appear too human? Towards whom? Only I would judge me here and Jim’s happiness makes it more than worth it.

*Yes, I am* I draw a bit back so I can see his face. The look of love in his eyes makes me gasp but it is nothing compared to the look of astonishment and love he gives when I slowly bend down and kiss him, our lips meeting in a butterfly-light kiss. I draw back and I see the night’s stars in his eyes as he smiles widely at me. Our first kiss in public and all I see is him.

*I never thought…* his awed thought dies away and he just smiles happily before he puts his head back on my shoulder. The moment of joy lasts forever or a second, I do not know. For once my inner clock has deserted me and I find I do not mind at all. When the song ends, we reluctantly draw apart. Before he can totally leave my embrace, I hold each of his hands in my own. He looks surprised at our joined hands and looks questioning at me.

“I love you, Jim. I always have and always will,” I say solemnly, warmly, my words loud enough to be heard by those closest to us but I do not care. All I see is the look of pure joy that glitters in Jim’s eyes and again I wonder why I waited this long. Those words weren’t hard to say at all; on the contrary saying them felt nice…relieving.

Jim nods at my words and fights to control himself. “I love you too,” he says and impulsively hugs me before quickly drawing back again. He blushes a little as he notices the smiling faces who have been watching us.

*We should go. There are people here,* Jim’s voice is urgent but still filled with love. I turn around and look at them and in their smiles and faces I see that these people will never again talk badly of Jim. I find that the feeling of guilt I have inside has been joined by one of strong regret; regret that I never did this before. If I had it seems like Jim would have had to fight a lot less.

*I do not care,* I say warmly. He smiles but then draws back and offers me the two-fingered Vulcan embrace.

*I care for you,* he says softly and now I have to fight back a smile. I touch my own two fingers to his and with a farewell to our host we walk towards our San Francisco apartment.

*Thank you…for everything,* Jim sends to me and before I can reply he adds, *and do not feel guilty. I don’t regret anything about our life together. You shouldn’t either.*

I nod once as I through our bond can feel that he means what he says. I should have done this before but he is right; regret is pointless. Instead I shall make up for lost time…Starting from tonight. When we get back to our home I will show him how much I love him, taking and giving in a way I now find I should have offered him sooner. Safe in the privacy of our own home no one but us would ever know but again I never even considered it. Now that I do I find this new thought of a public love and a private lovemaking where I give him as much as I can, upholding my traditions only when called upon but otherwise making by bondmate’s happiness be my first priority, an exciting and pleasing thought.

Our eyes find each other and I know he can see the smile I am not showing on my lips in my eyes and through our bond. This makes him smile warmly at me with his eyes and lips and his smile only widens as I say through our bond, *I will always value every minute of our time together for I have always loved you and always will.* My promise is strong and sure and I know it is true and has always been true.

**The End**


End file.
